Is My Child in an Unhealthy Friendship? Signs of a Bad Friend

It’s wonderful when your child makes friends. But not all friendships are positive — some can be negative, bad influences, or downright toxic. Unhealthy child friendships can negatively impact your child’s mental and emotional health. If you suspect your child is dealing with toxic friends, it’s important to be proactive and support them through this tricky situation.

What to say to your child when friends are mean

Maybe your child comes to you to talk about something rude their friend says, or maybe you see a concerning conversation happening in their group chats. Even though you know it’s part of growing up, it’s still heart-wrenching to watch your child hurt from something mean their friend said or did. Here are some tips on what to say to your child when their friends are mean.

Honor their feelings 

We often try to take away our child’s hurt by minimizing the other person’s behavior, insisting they probably didn’t mean it that way. But this can feel invalidating. What our kids really need is understanding. 

Instead, try this: “That sounds really hard. I’m so sorry it happened.” 

Teach empathy — with boundaries 

Hurt people hurt people. Remind your child they don’t know what’s going on in their friend’s life that’s causing them to lash out at others. That doesn’t mean they need to accept being treated poorly, though. It’s possible to have empathy and draw boundaries at the same time. 

Help them figure out what to do

Whether to address a situation after the fact or let it go depends on the dynamics of the friendship, the maturity of your child, and their willingness to face conflict. If your child feels up for approaching the friend about what happened, encourage them to use “I” statements. 

Come up with a plan

Help your child brainstorm ways to deal with future meanness. Here are some ideas: 

• Refrain from shooting back a snide remark. This is often the exact reaction the friend is looking for and tends to make things worse.
• Ignore the behavior and walk away. If the friend is trying to get a rise out of your child, refusing to take part can de-escalate things.
• Consider humor. If it’s in your child’s personality, humor can be effective for diffusing conflict. They might surprise the person by agreeing with the insult or thank them as though it was a compliment. 
• Set boundaries. Encourage them to be clear about how they expect to be treated going forward. 
• Call the friend out if boundaries are crossed. If your child sets a boundary and the behavior continues, it’s important for them to speak up. 

Signs of a bad friend

While the occasional spat or less-than-stellar behavior from a friend is normal, sometimes it crosses into toxic friend territory. 

Red flags to watch for: 

• Patterns. A friend who routinely adds negativity, stress, and drama into your child’s life.
• Playing the victim. A person who always positions themself as the one who can never do anything wrong and bad stuff always happens to them.
• Controlling. A friend who tries to control them and who they hang out with, excludes others from the friendship, and gets jealous when your child hangs out with other people. 
• Gossip and negativity. Friends who regularly talk negatively about others and spread rumors. 
• Passive-aggressiveness. A tendency to give backhanded compliments and passive-aggressive criticism. 
• The blame game. A friend who blames all their problems on other people instead of taking accountability. 
• Peer pressure. Someone who pressures your child into doing things they aren’t comfortable with. 

How to help your child get out of a toxic friendship 

It might make sense for a child to try and resolve things with a friend who is being standard-issue mean. But if your child is in a truly toxic friendship, it’s wise for them to extricate themselves. 

If your child is younger, they may need more hands-on help from you, whereas older kids should be encouraged to handle the unhealthy friend breakup on their own. But kids of any age are likely to need parental support — at least in the background. 

Here are some tips:

Understand this might be difficult

Your child might initially not want to end the toxic friendship. Anna Marcolin, LCSW, a psychotherapist and life coach, says this is because kids “fear loneliness or losing their social group, which to them, in their world, is everything. Tweens and teens may bypass their own emotional well-being for their friend group — toxic or not.” 

Help them recognize the unhealthy friendship

Marcolin points out that “most kids tend to lack the emotional skills or confidence to … recognize when a friendship is unhealthy.” If your child has a hard time seeing their friend’s toxic behaviors, start by discussing what makes a good friend. You can also try asking open-ended questions about why your child wants this person in their life. 

Let them lead

Rather than jumping in with suggestions, make space for your child to provide their ideas on how to handle the situation. It can also be helpful to practice before a difficult conversation. Help your child try out what responses might work best for them. 

Reach out for help

A toxic friendship can have an emotional toll on a kid. If you see signs of depression or anxiety in your child, look for a therapist who can help them through the situation. 

How to stop a teenager from hanging out with bad friends 

When your teen starts hanging out with the “wrong” crowd, it can be scary. From drugs to fighting to skipping school, suddenly you have to worry about the negative — or even dangerous — influence they might have on your child. Here are some strategies to support your child to make positive friendship decisions:

• Lead with love. Our kids need to be accepted for who they are, even when they make poor choices. This need for acceptance is part of what might be drawing them to a particular group of friends. Work to make your relationship with them a safe space where they feel loved unconditionally. 
• Don’t criticize their friends. Say it with me: “There are no bad kids, only bad behavior.” Fight the urge to criticize your child’s friends. This will only backfire. Instead, focus on the specific behaviors that you’re uncomfortable with. 
• Don’t blame your child’s behavior on their friends. Your child is the one making the decision to behave a certain way. By blaming the “bad” kids, you’re avoiding digging into why your child wants to hang out with them in the first place — a crucial first step in helping them get their needs met in healthier ways. 
• Set clear expectations. Let them know that, no matter what their friends do, you have expectations about how they are to behave. Be specific about the types of behavior that is and isn’t okay. Your job as a parent is to set boundaries and hold your child accountable if they break those boundaries. 

In short

If your child is involved in an unhealthy friendship, it’s important to help them recognize the negative impact on their life and support them to stand up for themselves — including the willingness to end the friendship if needed. Try leading with love, encouraging them to problem solve, and setting clear expectations about what you expect for their behavior. 

If you want extra insight into your child’s mental wellness, BrightCanary can help. The app summarizes your child’s messages and shows you how they’re feeling, as well as anything concerning like bullying or references to substance use — so you can address any red flags together.