Monitoring your child’s text messages is a responsible step toward their online safety, but how you approach it matters. Without thoughtful monitoring, you risk breaking trust, overlooking key issues, or overstepping boundaries. Here are the top mistakes parents make when monitoring their child’s texts — and how to avoid them.
Going behind your child’s back to monitor their messages is almost guaranteed to backfire when they inevitably find out. Trust is a two-way street. Once it’s broken, they may try harder to hide their online activity.
Instead, be open with your child about your monitoring and explain that it’s for their safety, not to invade their privacy. They’ll be more likely to return the effort by being honest with you about their behavior.
If you view monitoring your child’s texts as a way to catch them misbehaving, they’ll see you as an adversary instead of a trusted guide. They’re likely to resent your actions and may go out of their way to evade your monitoring efforts.
Instead, approach monitoring as a partnership. You should have a mutual goal of keeping them safe and helping them if they make a mistake.
When monitoring kids, parents need to decide what constitutes “red flag” behavior and what is merely notable-but-harmless behavior.
I just learned the term “beige flag,” and I kind of love it. It’s a dating culture term meaning behavior that may be odd or strange, but that doesn’t rise to the level of concern. I think “beige flags” can also apply to parenting.
If your child uses some swear words in casual conversations but isn’t engaging in risky behavior, it’s likely not worth calling out. Are they actively texting about drugs and alcohol? Red flag — time to step in.
If your kid doesn’t know what’s expected of them, how can they follow the rules? They may feel blindsided when you call them out for something they didn’t realize was a problem.
Be clear about how you expect them to behave when texting and put it in writing with a digital device contract. This helps kids understand what’s appropriate and reduces conflict later on.
Monitoring your child’s texts is not a substitute for open communication. Even the best parental controls can’t catch everything. Talk to your child regularly about online risks and help teach them how to be a responsible texter.
➡️ BrightCanary makes monitoring easier by flagging potential risks in your child’s texts. That way, you can focus on having meaningful conversations instead of reading every message.
As difficult as it may be, you need to respect the fact that your child deserves to keep some things private. The same goes for not deliberately digging around on their phone to find out the gossip about their life. Focus your monitoring on safety issues. The rest is only your business if your child wants it to be.
Suppose that you learn your child has a new significant other, but they haven’t shared the news with you yet. You’ll probably want to run and ask them about the person — and why they didn’t tell you. DON’T do it.
It’s so tempting to read every message! It’s right there — why not? Well, for one thing, trying to read every single one is unnecessary and overwhelming. The average teen receives at least 237 texts per day, according to Common Sense Media.
Reading every single text may also contribute to your child feeling like you’re spying on them. As your child grows older and more mature, you’ll want to loosen the reins, and reading everything only adds to your mental load.
A monitoring app like BrightCanary gives you your time back. You can simply browse the “concerning” tab to view alerts about anything potentially inappropriate.
If you find something concerning, the first step is to (calmly) ask your child about it. Find out the full story from them, assuming the best until you find out otherwise. Ask open-ended questions like:
Approaching with curiosity instead of immediate punishment encourages honesty and growth. Remind them that your job is to keep them safe, and you want to work through this together.
You can’t protect your child from everything. Nor should you try. There’s value in making mistakes, especially when your child is still young and has you to help support them through the aftermath. Address the big stuff that you find on their texts, but also look for places where you can give them room to fail. That’s where the growth will happen.
Monitoring your child’s texts can protect them from digital risks, but it’s crucial to do it thoughtfully. Avoid these mistakes by being transparent, focusing on safety over control, and using tools like BrightCanary to support healthy digital habits.
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