My Child Is Deleting Texts: A Guide for Concerned Parents

We talk to parents all the time about the benefits of text message monitoring. But sometimes, we get this question: “What if my child is deleting text messages?” If you have reason to suspect your child deleted text messages, it’s normal to be concerned. It’s also important to approach the situation thoughtfully so you can have a productive conversation with them. Here’s what parents should know about dealing with deleted messages. 

Dealing with deleted messages

You might feel worried, angry, and disappointed that your child is having secret conversations, but it’s important to take a deep breath and thoughtfully consider Here are a few questions to ask yourself: 

• Why do you want to read your child’s deleted messages? The simple fact that they deleted messages may not be an indication something is up. It could be nothing more than a desire for independence or wanting to get rid of a message that made them feel bad. But if you suspect something more serious, like drugs, alcohol, or communication with a stranger, it’s a good idea to investigate. 
• Have you talked to them about your concerns? Before jumping to reading their deleted messages, talk to your child. Let them know you’re worried and that you want to make sure they’re safe. Give them the opportunity to tell you what’s going on without fear of judgment. 
• Did you alert them of your plan to read their messages? Spying on your child is an invasion of their privacy and can jeopardize trust in your relationship. If you decide to read your child’s texts (deleted or otherwise), it’s important to be transparent with them. It’s much better than going behind their back. 

Talking with your child about deleted messages 

If you find a deleted message on your child’s device that concerns you, set aside time to speak with them about it. Here are some tips to help you get started:

Stay calm 

No matter how upset you are, try your best to remain calm when you talk to your child. Reacting from a place of extreme emotion is likely to shut down the conversation, when what you really need is open communication.

Honor their feelings

It’s possible your child will have some pretty big feelings when you approach them about deleted messages. They may feel angry that you read them, worried about getting in trouble, or embarrassed about the content of the messages. 

Before you go any further in the conversation, give them space to have their feelings. Even if you were justified in reading their messages, their feelings are also valid — let them have them. 

Here’s a talking point to help you field their emotions: 

“I understand why you’re upset. You have very right to your feelings. But my number one job as a parent is to keep you safe, and what I saw concerned me.”

Give them space to explain 

It’s so important to talk to your child in an open, supportive manner. Remember, the deleted messages might not be a big deal. On the other hand, they might be a huge deal. But you won’t know unless you hear from your child. Ask open-ended questions and give them room to tell you what happened. 

Here are some suggestions to get you started: 

“Tell me more about these messages.”

“How did the messages make you feel?” 

“Why did you choose to delete them?” 

“Why do you think I might be concerned about the messages and the fact that you deleted them?”

Emphasize your goal to keep them safe 

Above all else, your responsibility as a parent is to keep your child safe. Explain to them that, just like you held their hand crossing the street when they were little even though they thought they were grown, there are times now where you’ll need to be involved in their digital communication. 

How to read your child’s deleted messages 

There are several ways to read your child’s deleted messages: through the messages app, on iCloud, or with BrightCanary. Check out this guide for detailed instructions. 

Of these three options, BrightCanary offers the most robust and comprehensive access to deleted messages on Apple devices. You’ll be able to view deleted texts, summaries of your child’s threads, and concerning content — so you don’t have to review every single message unless there’s cause for concern.

When to take further action

If you suspect the deleted messages were with a predator, or if the content involved nude, semi-nude, or sexually explicit videos or images of a child, document and report the material to the platform or phone carrier and to law enforcement. You can also report the incident to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC)’s CyberTipline.

Summary

There are many reasons kids delete messages — some innocent, some concerning. Parents should monitor their child’s phone and talk to them if they suspect they’re deleting messages. BrightCanary scans your child’s messages and alerts you to any red flags. The app also gives you access to read your child’s messages, including deleted ones. Download the app and start your free trial today.