What to Do If You Think Your Child Is Being Groomed

A BrightCanary parent noticed that her 14-year-old daughter was getting messages from an adult. Fortunately, she was able to get more details about the situation and take action. No parent wants to see signs of grooming, but in today’s digital age, stories like these are all too common. 

As many as 20% of children were contacted by an online predator in the last year. Online grooming can impact any child, but there are things parents can do to take action. Here’s what you need to know about this serious issue. 

What is grooming?

Grooming is the process a predator uses to draw a child in by gaining their trust in order to sexually abuse them and maintain secrecy. It may take months or even years for a predator to break through a child’s defenses and increase the  likelihood they’ll accept physical contact. 

Grooming happens both in person and, increasingly, in digital spaces. 

Stages of online grooming

While grooming can take many different forms, it often follows a similar pattern. Knowing the typical trajectory may help parents identify it early so they can put a stop to it.

Identifying a victim

Predators test the waters by setting traps. It’s easy for a child to fall prey to one without meaning to. For example, 46% of children give personal information away about themselves online. This helps predators identify victims, build trust, and establish a relationship around shared interests. 

Making contact

A predator may comment on a social media post or send a message to a child they’ve targeted. This is easier than you might think: if your child has a public TikTok account, anyone can send them a direct message request.

Gaining trust

Predators typically lie about their age, often adopting a persona that’s just slightly older than the potential victim. Conversations tend to start innocently. The predator may offer something they sense the child craves, such as praise, appreciation, or a listening ear. 

Getting personal 

After establishing trust, predators ask increasingly private questions. They inquire about the child’s relationships with friends, parents, and trusted adults. The predator uses this information to isolate the child from their support system. 

Testing

As the conversation gets more personal, predators may move the conversation to a more secretive app, such as Snapchat or WhatsApp, in order to test the child’s boundaries and willingness to keep the relationship a secret. 

Escalation

Once the predator has strengthened the bond to the point where the child protects the predator instead of themselves, they begin to slowly sexualize the interactions. Initial discussions of sexual activity help prime the child. The predator may share nude or partially nude images of themselves or other children before asking for sexually explicit images or videos of the victim. 

Signs of grooming

Here the warning signs of online grooming to keep an eye out for: 

• Changes in behavior, such as secrecy, withdrawal, or aggression.
• New online friends that your child makes an effort to keep secret. This is especially concerning when the friend is older. 
• Isolating themselves from trusted adults. Abusers attempt to physically or emotionally separate a victim from those protecting them. 
• Sharing inappropriate content, such as explicit images or messages. Desensitization is part of the grooming pattern. Abusers may show the victim pornography or discuss sexual topics with them in order to introduce the idea of sexual contact.
• Changes in device activity, such as increased screen time, reluctance to let you see their phone, or not wanting to use their phone in the same room.
• Gifts. A predator may offer the child small gifts as their connection develops. For example, they may send digital gift cards or currency and resources used in online gaming.

Steps to take if you suspect grooming

First, stay calm and gather information. Document the warning signs you’ve noticed. Look at their social media feeds and text messages to see what you can find out. If you use a parental monitoring app like BrightCanary, you can use it to review messages your child has sent and received on TikTok, Instagram, and text messages — including deleted texts.  

Then, talk to your child. Have a calm, non-judgmental conversation with your child about their online activities and your concerns. Make it clear that they’re not in trouble, and your goal is to protect them. 

Make a plan to report the grooming. Contact local authorities and the online platform(s) where the grooming occurred to report the issue. 

Finally, get professional help for your child. A child psychologist or counselor can help your child through the experience and provide you with ideas to further support them at home. 

Preventative measures

Here are steps you can take now to make it less likely your child will be a victim of online grooming: 

• Teach strong boundaries. Sexual predators are experts at spotting weak boundaries and exploiting them. Teaching your child healthy boundaries is one of the best steps you can take to prevent them from being abused. 
• Educate your child. Teach them about the dangers of online predators and why it’s important not to share personal information online.
• Maintain open lines of communication. Make it clear that if anyone makes your child feel uncomfortable online, they should stop the interaction and tell you. 
• Regular check-ins. Stay involved in your child’s online and activity. Sit down with them for regular check-ins where you look at their device together and discuss their recent activity.  
• Parental controls. To protect your child’s privacy and make it harder for strangers to contact them, leverage the parental controls available on their device and the apps they use. 
• Use a monitoring app. Download BrightCanary to help you monitor your child’s online activity. The app uses advanced technology to scan their text messages and YouTube, Google, Instagram, and TikTok accounts, alerting you to any red flags so you can take action. 

The takeaway 

Online predators are an increasing concern in today’s digital age. Parents need to educate themselves and their child about how to spot the warning signs of grooming and what to do if a predator makes contact. Educating children about the risks, teaching strong boundaries, and taking steps to monitor children’s online activity are important preventative measures.