What Texting Rules Should I Set for My Child?

When your child starts texting independently, it’s an exciting time for them — one of new freedoms, but also new risks. Especially as children are first learning how to manage this new privilege, it’s important for families to set texting rules that support them on their journey and help keep them safe. 

Why texting rules are important

Unsupervised texting can lead to a number of unwanted situations, such as: 

• Exposure to inappropriate content
• Online predators 
• Cyberbullying
• Sexting
• Toxic group chats 

Establishing texting rules helps protect against these risks. By following these rules, your child can develop a sense of responsibility while you grant them an appropriate level of independence based on their age and maturity level. 

Establishing texting rules: A step-by-step guide 

If you’re ready to set texting rules for your child, but aren’t sure where to start, here’s a guide to help you: 

Step 1: Have family discussion about why rules are important 

Your children might not love having texting rules in place, but if they understand why they’re so important, they’re much more likely to respect and follow them. 

Explain the reasoning behind the rules in an age-appropriate way. For example, you might explain that strangers may want to talk to your child. Texting rules help you stay informed and keep them safe.

Step 2: Get your child’s input on what rules they think are reasonable 

Once your child understands why they need texting rules, ask them for ideas on what they should be. 

This doesn’t mean they’re in charge — as the adult, you get the final say. But by approaching rule-setting with a collaborative spirit, you’re more likely to get buy-in from your child than if you just impose the rules from on high. They also might surprise you with some good ideas! 

Step 3: Finalize your family’s texting rules

After your child has given their input, decide what rules to put in place. Here are some suggestions: 

• Expectations for how quickly they should respond to texts from family members. 
• No-texting zones, such as the dinner table or their bedroom. 
• Text-free times, like no phones during homework hours and bedtime.
• Don’t share personal information like addresses or passwords via text.
• Set your phone to “do not disturb” during homework time, in class, and before bed.
• Don’t text with people you don’t know in real life.
• Don’t tap on unfamiliar links from unknown numbers (they could be scams or phishing attempts).
• Practice good texting etiquette. 
• Consent to the use of a text message monitoring app such as BrightCanary.

Step 4: Put it in writing

After you’ve established texting rules and expectations, put it into a digital device contract to encourage accountability. 

Also known as a family media agreement, a digital device contract is a great way to write down expectations and potential consequences. Put the contract somewhere everyone can see!

Frequently asked questions

Here are some of the common questions parents have about setting texting rules for their kids along with our advice:

Is it spying to monitor my child’s texts?

We love that you’re asking this question, because it means you respect your child’s privacy. Kids deserve a reasonable level of privacy, but that must be balanced by the need to keep them safe. 

The two keys to monitoring your child’s texts without invading their privacy are:

1. Transparency. Let them know ahead of time you’ll be monitoring their texts. Explain how you will do it and what issues you’re looking for. 
2. Moderation. Don’t snoop around just to look for the latest dirt on their social life. Remember, your objective is their safety. Only monitor as much as you need to spot issues that require your attention. Using a monitoring app like BrightCanary can help with this because you don’t have to read every message; the app will summarize text threads and alert you when it finds a red flag. 

What if my child pushes back? 

They might. It’s sort of their job. Hold firm on what rules are important while remaining open to reasonable feedback from your child. And (gently) remind them they don’t have to love the texting rules — they just have to be able to live with them. 

How do I shift texting rules as my child gets older? 

It’s a good idea to amend your texting rules as your child get’s older and demonstrates responsibility. For example, you might pull back from checking their text threads and only review BrightCanary when there’s something concerning.

There’s no single age at which your child is suddenly more mature and ready for more independence — do what feels right for your family and in communication with your child. 

What if my child has already been texting without any rules? 

The best time to set texting rules is before your child gets a device. But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible to do so after the fact. It may just require more explanation on your part and more adjustment on the part of your child. 

Final thoughts

Kids need texting rules, especially as they’re first starting. There’s no time like today to start the conversation with your child, even if they’ve already been texting independently without rules. Tools like BrightCanary help support safe and responsible texting habits for your child.