As a parent of two boys, I’ve learned a lot about navigating the digital world alongside my kids. When we first gave my 12-year-old son his first device, an iPad, I worried what challenges would arise by giving him access to text messaging. I felt it was important to monitor his texts with friends, but I hadn’t considered the implications. Here’s what I wish I’d known, along with some advice for parents who are monitoring for the first time.
My wife and I had plenty of discussions about our son’s first device and the parental controls we’d use. Apple Screen Time allowed us to set limits on how much time he spent on his iPad and which apps he could download, but it didn’t give us any visibility into his text messages.
Was it overkill to also read his texts? My 12-year-old isn’t an adult. Tweens need guidance and supervision in most areas of their lives, including the digital world. While it’s important to give kids privacy and increased autonomy as they grow older, using technology in a healthy way is a learned skill.
I was weighing all of this when a good friend told me about his 11-year-old son.
It turns out that his son was messaging a complete stranger on his iPad. The stranger was asking him to send inappropriate photos, and his 11-year-old was totally unprepared for how to handle the situation. To this day, my friend doesn’t know how the stranger got his son’s contact information.
Texting is a gateway for kids entering the highs and lows of the digital world. Although text messaging isn’t categorized as social media, the risks are similar, including exposure to scams, predators, and cyberbullying. Text messaging with friends can quickly turn to text messaging with strangers.
That’s why when we gave our son his iPad, we also introduced text message monitoring.
We chatted about our expectations with our 12-year-old, like only messaging people we knew and always responding to us as soon as possible. We also explained how we were using technology to keep him safe — by monitoring his texts with BrightCanary.
BrightCanary uses AI to summarize text threads for you, allowing us to skim conversations and understand the gist of what’s being discussed. The app alerts us if it detects anything concerning, like drug references or bullying.
We didn’t want our son to feel like we were spying on him, but we wanted him to know that supervising his messages helped us ensure he wasn’t involved in any conversations he couldn’t handle.
Balancing privacy and safety is crucial. For parents considering text message monitoring for the first time, it’s important to have transparent conversations with your kids about the dangers of digital platforms.Discuss the risks associated with mental health, sleep deprivation, predation, and bullying. Educate them about these issues and establish open lines of communication.
We have an open-door policy with our son; if something makes him uncomfortable, he knows he can talk to me or my wife anytime.
The anonymity of the internet can lead kids to say things they wouldn’t normally say in person. It’s a tumultuous time in their development, and their communications reflect that.
A lot of your child’s text messages will probably be mundane, but some of them might be concerning. It’s important to talk to your child about their text threads to get context about the conversations. Remember, you’re entering a group dynamic with its own language. Once you understand the nature of your child’s conversations, you can decide whether to intervene or gradually loosen the reins.
I was surprised to find instances of bullying in some of my son’s group chats.
He wasn’t directly involved, but it gave us a chance to talk about how to handle similar situations. We talked about why the comments were inappropriate, how friends should treat each other, and what to do if someone makes you feel uncomfortable.
Younger kids need more hands-on supervision, especially when it comes to personal safety and behavior online. They don’t prioritize safety and often lean on their parents to guide their online interactions. There are still a lot of unknowns now that my son has access to the digital world, but monitoring is helping me have more proactive conversations with him, so we’re more prepared for future situations.
As kids become teens, they start valuing their privacy more. When our son first got his iPad, my wife and I were actively monitoring: more hands-on, regularly checking his activity and having conversations about his device use.
As he matures and demonstrates that he can follow the rules set, we’ll transition to passive monitoring. We won’t keep tabs on everything, but we’ll have safeguards to alert us if something concerning happens.
For instance, if someone sends him a link that sends him down a rabbit hole of online searches, BrightCanary will alert us if he sees anything concerning. We’re still having regular conversations about online safety, but that safety net gives us peace of mind.
Giving your child their first tablet or phone is a big milestone, and it brings a range of new challenges that you have to navigate as a parent. Decades ago, parents used to listen in on phone conversations or monitor the shows we watched on the family TV. Today, parents have to adapt their approaches for the digital age.
Monitoring is part of preparing our kids for a responsible and healthy digital future. It’s an essential part of modern parenting — and one of the ways we can keep our kids safe and supported in the digital world.
