Ask an Expert: Warning Signs in Your Child’s Text Messages

Keeping an eye on your child’s texting habits helps them stay safe and make responsible choices. Many of the issues that your child runs into are ones you’re equipped to handle yourself. But it’s also important to recognize when they need extra support. Understanding when to seek help for your child’s texts can make a significant difference in your child’s mental and emotional well-being. 

For expert insight, we turned to Anna Marcolin, LCSW, a psychotherapist, life coach, and host of the mental health podcast The Badass Confidence Coach. Here are the warning signs to watch for in your child’s text messages that may indicate the need for professional intervention. 

Why it’s important to monitor your child’s texts

From online predators to cyberbullying, the inherent risks that come with digital communication are reason enough to monitor your child’s texts. But text messages are also a window into a child’s life and well-being. Keeping an eye on this primary form of communication can help you spot issues that extend beyond the phone. 

Are they talking to friends about feeling excessively stressed with school? Do they sometimes mention feeling lonely or misunderstood? Are they in any toxic text threads or group chats that seem to be affecting their mental health? These are all red flags that text monitoring can help parents identify. 

Warning signs to watch for

When monitoring your child’s text messages, any of the following signs may indicate that immediate intervention is needed, according to Marcolin. Remember, you know your child best. If you feel it’s time to call a professional, even if the concern isn’t on this list, follow your gut and take action.

• Inappropriate language: Frequent use of explicit, aggressive, or vulgar language can indicate exposure to inappropriate content or interactions with individuals who may not be a good influence.
• Secretive or defensive behavior: If your child becomes overly secretive or defensive about their phone or text conversations, it could be a sign they are hiding something that might be concerning.
• Bullying: Signs of bullying, either as a victim or perpetrator, can be a major red flag. This includes messages that are threatening, mocking, or harassing in nature.
• Explicit content: Any text messages containing sexually explicit language, images, or videos are significant red flags. This could indicate exposure to or participation in sexting.
• Messages from unknown contacts: Frequent communication with people the parents don’t know, especially adults, can be concerning. It’s essential to know who your child is talking to and the nature of their relationship.
• Conversations about risky behavior: Discussions involving drugs, alcohol, self-harm, or any other risky or illegal behavior should be taken seriously.
• Grooming signs: If your child is receiving messages that are overly flattering, requesting personal information, or encouraging them to meet in person, it could be a sign of grooming by a predator.
• Sudden changes in tone: If the tone of your child’s text messages suddenly changes from happy and positive to anxious, withdrawn, or angry, it could indicate that something troubling is going on.
• Isolation encouragement: Messages encouraging your child to keep secrets, isolate from friends or family, or not talking to others about certain topics can be a red flag for manipulation or coercion.
• Repeated requests for money or gifts: If someone is repeatedly asking your child for money, gifts, or any kind of financial transaction, this is a red flag for exploitation or scams.

According to Marcolin, if you encounter a situation that involves bullying, you may want to contact the school’s social worker or a therapist. “If you believe there is potential exploitation or illegal activity occurring, you may need to involve the school authorities or law enforcement,” she says.

Talking to your child about the content on their phone

Whether or not you enlist professional help, it’s vital to keep the lines of communication open with your child. If you’re concerned about what you see on their phone, it can be hard to know how to start the conversation. 

When you find something alarming on your child’s phone, Marcolin’s top tip is to stay calm. “The easy approach is to feel anxious and reactive,” she says. “[But] if you show irritation, you may unwittingly cause your child to shut down and/or become defensive. So firstly, take a few minutes to take a deep breath, gather your thoughts and plan how you want to approach the situation with them.”

Instead of flipping out, Marcolin suggests a direct but gentle approach: “If your kid knows you want to speak with them, they know something is up, so get right to the issue.” 

How to monitor your child’s phone use

If you aren’t yet monitoring your child’s phone use (or if you want to dial up your efforts), here are some ideas. 

• Open communication. Regular conversations with your child about their device use will help you stay involved in their online life. Marcolin calls these conversations Family Chit Chats. “I know that our kids often don’t want to talk with us about their social (in real life and online) lives, but it’s still important to check in with them about their online experiences and feelings,” she says. “Remind them that they can come to you about anything they encounter.”
• Digital safety check-ins. Sit down with your child periodically to look at their phone together. 
• Look beyond the phone. While their phone is likely a big part of your child’s life, be sure to also keep an eye on their overall wellness. Changes in other areas of their life are also important clues. 
• Use a monitoring app. BrightCanary uses advanced technology to scan your child’s text messages. It will then summarize their text threads so you can quickly and easily skim conversations and understand the gist of what they’re chatting about. If anything concerning pops up, like drug references or bullying, the app will also alert you. 
• Step in as needed. If your child seems down, look for ways to support them. Sometimes a simple action like getting them off their phone and out for a walk or to see a friend in person can help. Other times, more intense measures may be needed, such as seeking professional help. 

The bottom line

“Be sure to offer support to your child by letting them know you are there to help and that they can come to you with any concerns,” Marcolin says. “This type of reassurance is key in letting your child know that, even though they may not seem to care (or to be listening to you), they are listening and know you are a trusted and safe space.”

Monitoring your child’s texting habits can help you support them in staying safe and making responsible choices online and off. It’s important to step in if any issues arise and to reach out if you think your child needs professional help. Familiarize yourself with the warning signs that intervention is needed, but also don’t be afraid to listen to your intuition. 

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